Could you tell me the point of the joke and a blank of my listening.?

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/268823/april-01-2010/stephen-gets-a-free-ipad

Thank you for joining us. Of course the big story tonight is I have an ipad. Now, never mind how I got it.I had two kidneys. Luckily there is an app that filters urine. I know the only one excited about this. The review _______. The New York Times, the wall street journal, the USA today all _______. and Newsweek liked so much. they made it their first non-obama cover in 15 month.This is like a full page cover ad that Apple didn’t have to pay for. Unlike the Amazon kindle on the back. "Oh look, the screen has both black and gray. Myrtle, get my calm pills" ________________.

I think there are two jokes. but I don’t understand.
1. I had two kidneys…. I don’t understand why he said a part of body’s name( kidneys).
2.Myrtle, get my calm pills…… I don’t understand at all.

Please tell me about it.
What is Myrtle?